I have never used, do not use, & will never use Twitter.
Considering how I don't even like changing my Facebook status more than a couple times a week, I don't really have a use for Twitter. I don't need another social media account to maintain. I don't care whether the big orange Wind Fish wannabe says the internets are full. I don't care about the little blue jays chirping...heck, I'm a Cardinals fan; I don't care about blue jays PERIOD.
But today's rant isn't about me. It's about Amanda Bynes.
My appreciation of Amanda Bynes is not a recent development, nor should it really be shocking news to most people. I've been a fan of the actress for a very long time, & as such, I've seen the overwhelming majority of her interviews over the past decade. Whenever an interviewer has brought up the internet, she's had the same answer: She always said she didn't care at all about doing things online, maintaining a website, any of that. She only keeps http://www.amandabynes.com (which has not updated in probably 5 years) registered to keep impostors from taking the domain & pretending to be her. Those are not the words of a woman who is going to use flipping TWITTER to make a major career announcement.
Twitter was important once. Once. By "once" I don't mean "once upon a time", but rather "on one specific occasion." That occasion was during last year's disputed elections in Iran. The Iranian government was censoring the standard news outlets (even foreign journalists) & screening emails, Facebooks, Myspaces, YouTubes,...the BBC...you name it. Everything BUT the cultural wasteland of Twitter. So that's what the angry citizens used to get the word out about what was going on in that mess. That was the one time Twitter ever served a useful purpose that could not have been fulfilled by another, better, site. That was the only time Twitter was ever a valid news source; unfortunately, real journalists have mistakenly continued using it as a news source ever since.
As many of you know, my sister enjoys teasing me about almost everything I like that she doesn't also like. About a dozen weeks ago, I get an email from said sister about how Amanda had announced her retirement over Twitter, complete with a link to a news site which was using Twitter as a source. So I went & looked up her tweety account to make sure people weren't just making crud up, as they are sometimes apt to do. Sure enough, there it was, plain as day...or rather plain as night. The timestamp on the post was roughly 4:30 AM on a Saturday night/Sunday morning.
Let me inform you good people of something; I sometimes make Facebook comments very late at night. They are often cryptic & confusing to the people I send them to, because after a certain degree of fatigue sets in, I lose the ability to filter out things that I may think are funny but I shouldn't expect anyone else to think are funny. In other words, when it gets near 4:30 in the morning, especially on a weekend where I may've just been involved in several hours of craziness with friends, I will sometimes say and/or type things that absolutely should not be taken seriously. AND I DON'T EVEN DRINK!
But again, this rant is not about me. It's about Amanda Bynes.
Bynesy does drink. Now pay close attention to this next part: Girl who doesn't like connecting the web with her career + early morning fatigue + weekend craziness + possible inebriation + her agent & manager repeatedly denied knowing anything about this alleged "retirement" = WHY THE BLOODY HELL WAS ANYONE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY!?
It was not a lot of surprise when, a few weeks later, Bynes again tweeted her "unretirement", & the normal media again overreacted. Then a couple more weeks after that, people were again buzzing about her saying something along the lines of "well, I will act again someday, possibly soon, I guess for now I'm kinda retired", and that's when it all clicked in my head. That's when it all made sense.
Amanda Bynes had successfully trolled Twitter & the entertainment media at the same time.
Go back & watch Big Fat Liar sometime. Good movie. Most of the funny things Kaylee does are ad-libs by Bynes.
Go back & watch Sydney White sometime. Boring movie. If Sydney is doing anything funny at all, it's an ad-lib by Bynes.
Go back & watch What I Like About You sometime, especially the season 1 gag reel. Really gives you a taste of how many of Holly's laughs were ad-libs by Bynes.
Go back & watch Hairspray sometime. Good movie. Anytime Penny's lame filler lines make you laugh, it's Bynes's delivery. And according to the behind-the-scenes footage, the cast & crew were often kept entertained via ad-libs by Bynes!
The girl has a legitimate knack for off-the-cuff, wry wit. She doesn't like spending time online. And her Twitter accounts have kept their followers utterly baffled for years. The only way those 3 facts make sense together is if her tweets have all been a huge prank played on everyone out there who takes bleeping Twitter seriously. Every reporter scouring that site, every tweenybopper posting what they had for breakfast, every technerd obsessing over trends, every tweety twit who doesn't get that people don't always mean the things they blurt out over an instantaneous communication...they all just got perfectly punk'd by a master comedienne. And none of them realized it.
Her probably-drunken-late-night "retirement", "unretirement", & "kinda retirement" were merely the climax of the performance. And now, the act complete, Amanda has deleted her accounts entirely. It's time to move on to a new role.
Amanda Bynes is a genius.