J.MAN Land corollary

Countdown

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 03:10:32 GMT

I took today off of school/work. Not a personal day, a legitimate sick day; I woke up with a cold. It was my second, & last, sick day. (side question: shouldn't a high school have an answering machine or voice mail for people calling in the mornings?)
I have 9 school days left, including 1 new lesson left to teach 3 times. There are 0 Saturday classes left (victory is mine on that front!). My hotel room in Mexico, MO, is booked for the 3 nights I have to go past when the dorms close.
I am tired as all heck. I'm also getting really freaking sick of writing the stupid reflective journal I have to do for every day of this internship. Everyday I look forward even more for the Year of the Hawk.

All of my creative ideas slip away at this point, usually the instant I take action to write them down. For example, I've been planning a GOOD post--not just this useless, self-important drek--for a couple weeks now, & I can't think of what it was anymore. There's a poetry slam this week; I've had a cool idea for a poem, but I've forgotten it, so I'll pretty much just be bringing some old stuff (meh, it's not like I'll be in round 2 anyway).
It's also been very annoying dealing with a swarm of trolls lately. Not online trolls...well, they are online trolls, too, but some of this year's freshman loungerats feel the need to stay in their 4chan personas ALL THE STINKING TIME. Guys, it gets old.

One of my newest friends is rapidly becoming one of my favorite people. I also very nearly went 0 for 5, but I found out she has a boyfriend before having a chance to make a dolt of myself, so that's one friendship left unscathed. :)
...Still, dang it. ;)

Um, anyway, despite the fatigue, this semester I have finished a few songs, & got through my radio show (which you should have listened to by clicking here, & which will be back in January), so that's cool. And anyone interested in getting on the mailing list for my Annual Entertainment Report just needs to say the word & send me their email address. (Currently on the list: Zecharias, Toby, John, Pigeon-duck, Thesupercool, Mankus, Neenz, Kerro, Mom, Sam, Kay, Shannon, Souders, Hayfever, Ceej) It might be a couple days later than usual this year, since I haven't...actually...started...yet...

Things I've said quite often on my internship commute:

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 08:05:27 GMT

"Sorry I'm not speeding fast enough for you."

I drive too fast, I admit it. Otherwise it would take me over 80 minutes to get to & from Centralia everyday. I also pay close attention to the other traffic, & if things get crowded...or if the speed limit drops...I slow down. Many of the other drivers don't. I have lost count of the number of times other drivers, usually in sports cars or pickup trucks, have flown by me, often weaving between cars, doing a minimum of 80 mph on a road that maxes out at 70. (I never go more than 7-8 over the limit, 'cause I like keeping control over my vehicle & not getting pulled over by the highway patrol.)

"Why so slowrious?"

This is for the opposite problem. This is for when I'm stuck behind people going significantly under the speed limit. The other day I was stuck behind a dude doing 30 mph on the highway. It was at least another 2 miles until the next turn of ANY kind; I lucked out that there was no oncoming traffic & I got to pass him. I can't count the number of times I haven't been able to pass my way out of the situation, losing ridiculous amounts of time in the process. It's especially bad on four-lane highways when somehow two unrelated cars can simultaneously match the same low speed right next to each other for miles & miles.

"Blinker!"

Part of my whole driving-safe schtick involves signalling my turns at any time & signalling my lane changes whenever other cars are around. I do this more to protect myself than anything else; if I don't signal, there is sometimes an extremely high likelihood of my being hit. Indeed, on many occasions, it was only my own quick reflexes that have kept me from hitting other people who have made stupid turns without a blinker, causing me to shout the word above. These incidents include two white pickups making left turns directly in front of me within the same 5-mile stretch of highway 63 near Moberly, on the same depressingly foggy morning. These incidents also include a return trip home in which I was almost killed by THREE unsignalled left turns on highway 63, all between the Kirksville airport and Taco Bell.

"Just 'cause you can see doesn't mean you can be stupid."

This is a new one that I've started using this week, since daylight savings ended. It's brighter in the mornings now, which apparently makes other drivers think they can be completely careless. I've just been doing the same thing I was doing before, but now I have even more idiocy to dodge around.

"Really? That song again?"

The 'Classic Vinyl' station on satellite radio likes to brag about its three decades' worth of music to choose from, so why have I heard the same song repeated twice in a single day? I mean, there are a lot of good ELO songs, but "Livin' Thing" isn't one of them, so why am I hearing it so many times in the same week? For that matter, why am I hearing a promo about how "Rock & roll was born in America" between songs by Van Morrison & the Beatles? Why am I hearing Dusty Street talking at all? I mean, K-HITS might have commercials, but it also has DJs that don't suck & doesn't repeat songs more than once a week.

Speaking of idiocy & the highway patrol, by the way: Last week a patrol car was sitting at the south end of Macon, presumably waiting to snipe speeders. Problem is, it was facing towards the oncoming traffic, WITH ITS HEADLIGHTS ON. Thanks a lot, officer.

Oh, & speaking of headlights: I FREAKING HATE THE NEW SUPER-BRIGHT HEADLIGHTS. There's a reason you're not supposed to use your high beams when other cars are around; high beams are quite literally blinding. The new brighter default headlights are like having your high beams on all the dang time.

Also, speaking of non sequiturs: Keep listening to my show. The link is in the previous entry. :)

Now if you'll excuse me, a beautiful woman is about to walk through my lounge, & I have to pretend I don't have a goofy crush on her. :) 'cause whenever i let my cover slip & flirt a bit, she gets freaked out & we end up not talking for a week

Today is Columbus Day.

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 15:40:26 GMT

Not because it's Monday, but because it's October 12th. Columbus Day is always on the 12th; that "nearest-Monday" thing is just for people getting off work. Trust me, that's significant.

A lot of people in recent years have started getting irate on Columbus Day. "Nyeh, he didn't discover anything; there were already people there!" "Nyeh, he killed them all with smallpox missiles!" Shut up. It's not like Columbus was trying to get the natives sick. The guy was a 15th-century sailor; what the bleep did he know about regional immunities? You don't hear non-Christians or non-Irish complaining on St. Patrick's Day "Nyeh, there were never any snakes in Ireland for Patrick to drive out" or anything stupid like that, so why do so many non-Italians have to rag on our ONE holiday? We don't really celebrate Columbus "discovering" America; we celebrate our cultural identity as the green, white, & red. And we celebrate it with a lot less whiskey & a lot better food than the Irish. ;) Trust me, that's significant, too.

Here's why those two things are significant: Today is also my birthday. I am an Italian-American born on Columbus Day. There was a parade through my father's home neighborhood, not to celebrate his firstborn child (though I like to pretend otherwise), and certainly not to celebrate accidental genocide & poor geography skills, but to celebrate being the original Romantic people.

Let us have our fun without your sermons. And let me blow out my candles without a guilt trip.

Oh, also, listen to The Next 2 Hours of Your Life, Tuesdays @ 6 PM CDT: http://www.ustream.tv/channel/the-next-two-hours-of-your-life

Top 15s...ALL OF THEM.

Sat, 08 Aug 2009 07:02:19 GMT

I keep seein' this on Facebook, & I keep thinking it's a cool idea, & so here it is. My list of books that I'll always remember...& also a few other things.
(None of these actually reach 15 entries. Meh.)

Fun times, all.

BOOKS: (Not ranked)

1) Animorphs (series) by K.A. Applegate

My name is Joey. I have every Animorphs, Megamorphs, & Chronicles book. I once got into an argument with Pigeon-Duck over something that happened in one of the books, then immediately looked it up when I got home to prove myself right. Considering she’s quite the aficionado as well, I considered it a real achievement. I’m kinda sad that way. But yeah, 6 lead characters, each bringing something different to the table in their respective narrations: Jake’s “heavy lies the head” deal, Rachel’s examination of duality, Tobias’ increasing alienation, Cassie’s nature & compassion, Marco’s humor & ruthlessness, and Ax’s…cinnamon buns.

2) A Series of Unfortunate Events (series) by Lemony Snicket

It’s all about Lemony’s narration, a word which here means “an idiosyncratic & atmospheric way of describing the events, people, locations, & ideas of a story involving copious amounts of misfortune heaped upon a trio of wholly undeserving orphans completely unaware of their parents’ involvement in a secret organization & its secret schism which occurred before they were born.” With all due respect, this very fun dramedy with its verifiably fancy dialogue should be in every school library.

3) The Long Sandy Hair of Neftoon Zamora by Michael Nesmith

Papa Nez is a stinkin’ genius. The sounds of the southwest are infused into this mystery of magic, music, & mythology. I can’t really think of anything else to say about it right now.

4) Real Ultimate Power: The Official Ninja Handbook by Robert Hamburger

You know that goofy website about ninjas being able to beat anyone & do anything? Well, this is literally that, in book form, an absurd textbook of ridiculous exaggerations about ninjas…until you start reading the footnotes. Hamburger is an author-character like Snicket, except that this book is about him instead of about somebody he knows. The narrative in the footnotes tells a heartbreaking character study of a deeply troubled little boy, all while the body text continues ranting hilariously.

5) The Enormous Room by E.E. Cummings

Cummings is my favorite poet, so it makes sense that I would include his…novel. Worry not, the same sense of fun & creativity that makes his poems so great to read is present in this account of his…false imprisonment during WWI. Wait, what is this? I’ll tell you what it is: A masterful story of optimism in trying times, comprised of anecdotes & character studies that will make you laugh, cry, & everything in between.

6) Dogs Don't Tell Jokes by Louis Sachar

Sachar is one of my favorite authors. The man writes for kids that have more than half a brain, & somehow manages to appeal not only to them but also to nearly everyone else. This particular book (actually a sequel to Someday Angeline) touched me with a protagonist who legitimately reminded me of myself, not just in a shallow “oh-we-both-had-social-problems” way, either. And as ever, Sachar crafted his story with brains, heart, courage, & a humor far beyond any canine’s capacity.

7) The Cure by Sonia Levitin

I have nightmares where the future described in this book actually happens, & where I’ve been displaced through time, forced to sneak into the council chamber so I can confront the gold-masks & verbally tear them apart while physically tearing apart the security drones…I have an overactive imagination. But yeah, this book is such a great cautionary tale; it’s like a backup to 1984, a warning that Big Brother might act quite a bit more subtly & “peacefully” than we think. I want to thank Toby from the bottom of my heart for showing me (& eventually giving me) this book.

8) Please Remove Your Elbow from My Ear by Martyn Godfrey

The first screenplay I ever finished was an adaptation of this book. Another “oddball-kid-tries-to-fit-in” story—gee, I wonder why I read so many of those—but it’s also a sports story! This is almost the Mighty Ducks of middle school intramural floor hockey; who does that? Nobody, that’s who. I also dig protagonist Stormy Sprague’s interesting interpretation of his life; this book takes quite a different approach than Sachar’s.

9) I Am America (& So Can You!) by Stephen Colbert

It’s like reading the Colbert Report, I kid you not. And unlike Jon Stewart’s book, you don’t have to suffer through naked photos of the Supreme Court.

10) The Areas of My Expertise by John Hodgman

This is the most brilliant almanac of complete world knowledge containing no weather information & in which everything is a complete lie EVER. Only John “Resident Expert” “Deranged Millionaire” “I’m a PC” Hodgman could have the foresight to predict your interest in a list of 700 hobo names.

11) Pride and Prejudice and Zombies by Jane Austen & Seth Grahame-Smith

It’s like an Abridged Series. It’s like Wizard People. It’s a story that some people love but others find tedious turned universally hilarious via revision by a snarky 20-something male.
Believe it or not, the zombies actually make it easier to care about the romance, by justifying quite a bit of the plot & improving much of the characterization. Mr. Bennett rocks the house.

12) Revelation by John

Majestic imagery of faith, hope, & love fills the epic tale of heaven & hell at the conclusion of the greatest story ever told. “Amen. Come, Lord Jesus!”

FILMS: (Only the first 5 are ranked)

1) Head (dir: Bob Rafelson; writ: Bob Rafelson, Jack Nicholson, Monkees)

Jack Nicholson calls Head the best rock-&-roll movie ever made. Admittedly, he’s a bit biased since he wrote it, but he’s also right. Cyclical, surreal, & beautiful, this western/sci-fi/horror/action/romantic/tragicomedy has utterly beautiful music, amazing visual, & a real message. No real plot, but a real message. And though you see the end in sight, the beginning may arrive.

2) UHF (dir: Jay Levey; writ: Al Yankovic, Jay Levey)

If you could ask anything more from this film, it would be a better budget. Pretty much all of the (few) real flaws with the flick could’ve been repaired or avoided entirely with a little bit of cash. Ignore those (few) flaws & you’ve got a hilarious Weird Al romp with a killer cast & top-notch gags.

3) The Princess Bride (dir: Rob Reiner; writ: William Goldman)

I have nothing to say about this movie that a thousand other people haven’t said before.

4) Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie (dir: Jim Mallon; writ: Mike Nelson, Trace Beaulieu, Kevin Murphy, Jim Mallon, Mary Jo Pehl, Paul Chaplin, Bridget Jones)

“And if your hands were metal, that would mean something.”

5) Stranger than Fiction (dir: Marc Forster; writ: Zach Helm)

I used to only have 4 favorite films; then I saw this one. What do I love in a movie? Metahumor: Check. Stellar acting (including Will Ferrell actually acting): Check. Snappy visuals: Check. A tone-setting musical score: Check. An engaging plot: Check. One of the best screenplays to hit cinema in several years: Double check. And that’s that.

6) Rope (dir: Alfred Hitchcock; writ: Arthur Laurents, Ben Hecht)

My favorite Hitch flick is a masterful experiment in building suspense through cinematography. Brings a whole new meaning to the original play’s title, man.

7) Edward Scissorhands (dir: Tim Burton; writ: Caroline Thompson)

This is the magnum opus of a career containing several masterpieces. Burton has always been the best at setting tone & atmosphere, & the fairy tale world of Edward is mesmerizing.

8) Monty Python and the Holy Grail (dir: Terry Jones, Terry Gilliam; writ: Monty Python)

To represent Terry Gilliam’s career of signature visuals & inspired imagination, I’ve chosen the only Python film he actually directed, because it accurately & hilariously sets the stage for all of his work since then.

9) Dogma (dir/writ: Kevin Smith)

Smith’s films are known for their intelligent wit coated with Star Wars references & fart jokes. Add in a sincere discussion of faith, & if you appreciate odd juxtaposition like I do, you’ve got a winner on your hands.

10) The Secret of NIMH (dir: Don Bluth; writ: Don Bluth, Gary Goldman, Will Finn, John Pomeroy)

Mr. Bluth specializes in animated epics filled with grandiose music & incredible graphics, starring small optimistic animals. His masterpiece hits all of those areas in the best way possible, especially in the “Walk By Faith” finale.

11) Fantasia (dir: Various; writ: Joe Grant, Dick Huemer)

Anthology movies have an annoying tendency to fail hard, either through lack of cohesion or just inconsistent segment quality. And then there’s Fantasia. Pure magic.

12) Wizard People, Dear Readers (dir/writ: Brad Neely)

Does this count as a film? Meh, I think so. I think a project should be organized to wizard-people-ize the remaining Potter films, with 5 other people each taking one of the 2^nd-6^th movies, & Neely himself wrapping up with Deathly Hallows 1 & 2. I call dibs on Goblet of Fire because I already kinda started on it a few months ago at school.

SERIES: (Only the first couple are ranked)

1) Mystery Science Theater 3000 (creator: Joel Hodgson, runners: Joel Hodgson, Mike Nelson, Jim Mallon)

It ran for 11 seasons, containing 198 92-minute episodes, for a total of 12.65 straight days worth of the funniest, most rewatchable television program of all time.

2) The Adventures of Pete & Pete (creator/runners: Will McRobb, Chris Viscardi)

Ever take a serious analytical look at how a kid tells a story? These two guys working in for Nickelodeon in the late-80s did, creating a series of 60-second interstitials which became a set of 5 specials which became 3 seasons of the greatest children’s show ever made. Intelligent, enigmatic, & insightful, the tales of the Wrigley brothers should become required viewing for anyone who works at Nick from now on.

3) NewsRadio (creator/runner: Paul Simms)

A workplace sitcom unlike any other, because the writers spat on network-meddling notes & still kept good enough ratings to stay on the air for 5 years. An ensemble cast unlike any other, because they truly fed off of each other instead of one star overshadowing everyone else. A third thing unlike any other, because third reason I can’t think of right now. NewsRadio. Whee. [Author’s note: I spent days working on these lists; this entry came near the end when I was running out of steam.]

4) Quantum Leap (creator/runner: Don Bellisario)

Imagine shows like Early Edition or Tru Calling or Journeyman. This is the show that all of them ripped off (ESPECIALLY Journeyman), & this is the show that outshone & outlasted all of them. Sam & Al are one of the greatest TV friendships ever.

5) All That (creator: Brian Robbins, Mike Tollin; runners: Dan Schneider, Brian Robbins, Mike Tollin)

Seasons 1-5 of this show were sharply-written & superbly-performed. Season 6 was kinda soft, but still funny. Seasons 7-10 were all kinds of awful.

6) The Monkees (creator: Bob Rafelson, Bert Schneider; runners: Bob Rafelson, Bert Schneider, Ward Sylvester)

My favorite band was created for this groundbreaking sitcom. Between the then-new filming style, the rawesome music, & 4 insane, spirited Ben-Frank’s type boys, a classic was made.

7) Numb3rs (creator/runners: Nicolas Falacci, Cheryl Hueton)

Some have called this just another CBS crime show. Not so, friends, this is the only of the CBS crime shows where the characters are actually interesting. It’s also the only one that talks about upper-level mathematics on a weekly basis in a way that appeals to people besides just me.

8) Get Smart (creator/runners: Mel Brooks, Buck Henry)

This show is what eventually led to the fall of the Soviet Union. Would you believe it? It won the Cold War! …No? Would you believe that it slightly discouraged some fringe terrorist groups? …How about that it’s just really funny?

9) Firefly (creator: Joss Whedon; runners: Joss Whedon, Tim Minear)

Someone saved my show tonight, Universal. Fox almost had their hooks in it, didn’t they, Joss? They nearly had you roped & tied, contract-bound, reschedulized. Sweet feature film in my theater: You’re a firefly! And fireflies are free to fly; fly away, high away! Bye, bye! (This description brought to you by Elton John.)

10) Square One TV (creator & runners unknown)

Why don’t they make shows like this anymore? Edutainment at its finest. If we want our kids’ math scores to improve, we need a new irreverent, sarcastic show that addresses mathematical topics in an accurate, thorough, & (most importantly) interesting way.

11) Yu-Gi-Oh! The Abridged Series (creator/runner: Martin “LittleKuriboh” Bellamy)

Recipe for success: Take the extremely cheesy & tedious Yu-Gi-Oh, chop out 80% of it, & redub all of the audio with an entirely new script by some British guy who can do spot-on imitations of all the characters’ voices. Hilarity ensues.

12) Homestar Runner (creators: Mike Chapman, Craig Zobel; runners: Mike & Matt Chapman)

Sewiously, you guys, it’s the best.

ALBUMS: (Not ranked)

1) Headquarters ~The Monkees

“Pleasant Valley Sunday” is my favorite song. It’s not on this album. This is, however, the beginning of the Monkees’ golden hour. This record is all killer, no filler; even the sappy Davy tune is pretty good.

2) Songs for Dustmites ~Steve Burns

Our friend Steve has been my entering/leaving Kirksville music since 2004. Since leaving Blue’s Clues, Steve Burns has become the ultimate stoned underground pimp of funkiness, if this record is any indication.

3) Off the Deep End ~Weird Al Yankovic

My first Al-bum was a Christmas present a very long time ago. I was air-shredding to “Smells Like Nirvana” before I even knew what shredding meant, & “You Don’t Love Me Anymore” is the greatest anti-love song of all time.

4) Severe Tire Damage ~They Might Be Giants

“Dead” is my favorite TMBG tune. It’s not on this album. “Doctor Worm” is, though, one of my personal themes. The live versions of “She’s an Angel”, “Istanbul”, & “Why Does the Sun Shine” are mind-blowing, & the Planet of the Apes suite hidden at the end of the record is very much the funny.

5) Flashlights ~Y-O-U

“Radio” is the unofficial theme song of “The Next Two Hours of Your Life.” It’s not on this album. This is a stronger album, though, strengthening the Atlanta band’s goofball-rock credentials with a lullaby about shadow governments, a bluesy ballad about teachers, & a multi-part love song that at one point features a typewriter.

6) The Laptop EP ~MC Lars

“Mr. Raven” is my favorite MC Lars song. It is on this album. :) Lars has been the best in pasty-white-boy hip-hop since this record, the first in which he has some confidence in his rhymes. “Keeping it real” is not about keeping it gangsta or crunk, but about being true to your own life in your lyrics. MC Lars does that better than most.

7) Maybe You’ve Been Brainwashed Too ~New Radicals

All of my favorite New Radicals songs are on this album…they have to be; it’s their only album. I first heard “You Get What You Give” when I was 14, same as the unnamed target of the song, & that did a number on me, lemme tell ya. It’s a seriously great record, man.

8) Volume One ~She & Him

I just got this a couple months ago, & I was instantly blown away. Between Steve Burns & Zooey Deschanel (of She & Him), I’ve become convinced that the key to getting good music from actors is for them to completely disregard popular trends & just make whatever weird music they want. I can think of a few people who would adore this record, one in particular who I’ll tell about it as soon as she’s talking to me again.

9) co-ed a cappella ~Sweet Nothings

My friends are very talented. Anytime I need to remind myself of that, I just pop in this record which shows how well they sing even when they’re sick.
[As mentioned above, these are not ranked, but I’ve placed this album near another one in the list intentionally. Riddle me that.]

10) Together We’re Heavy ~The Polyphonic Spree

A long day continues; we sound amazed. Hold me now, diamond, for a mild devotion to majesty in two thousand places. Ensure your reservation for the one man show; there’s a suitcase calling. Everything starts at the seam when the fool becomes a king. Together we’re heavy.
[No secret code here; it’s just the song titles turned into sentences. Tee-hee.]

11) Music from the Adventures of Pete & Pete ~Polaris

What a gloriously weird little soundtrack record! The Nick show’s house band’s only release contains 12 excellent rock songs composed for the show in their full (& in the case of “Summerbaby”, uncensored) versions, with some random space-related radio (& Speak N’ Spell) banter added in for effect.

12) The Wichita Train Whistle Sings ~Michael Nesmith

Nez’s specialty was country-rock, the fusion genre he helped create. I love that music, but this record isn’t that. Wichita is a bizarre big-band-style instrumental experiment in super-huge arrangement & odd sound combinations.

VIDEO GAMES: (Only the first 2 are ranked)

1) Super Smash Bros. series (dir: Masahiro Sakurai, dev: HAL, pub: Nintendo)

One of my personal quotations for life is “Chaos rains.” One place where that happens quite literally is in the crazy world of SUPER SMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH BROTHERS! The big problem I always had with fighting games was remembering the 20-button combos to perform any of the special character moves, especially since those combos were different for each character. SSB fixed that problem, not to mention mixing up a roster of characters for any personal combat style you can think of, raising the stakes with each installment so far. I revel in the madness (which is why I suffer at tournaments, where much of the insanity is turned off), & I’m still the best Luigi player I’ve met. Care to try me?

2) Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem (dir: Denis Dyack, dev: Silicon Knights, pub: Nintendo)

This can’t be happening…a horror game that I actually enjoy? Indeed, one that I rank amongst my all-time favorites? This isn’t shock-value gorror like Resident Evil or Silent Hill; this is atmospheric psychological torment, slowly & subtly eroding away at your sanity as your characters bear witness to what mankind was not meant to know, all while the game has new tricks at every turn to send the player’s mind into the same oblivion as the characters. And that voice work…as I’ve said to anyone who reads my updates on the screenplay (yes, I’m writing an Eternal Darkness screenplay), Max is SO AWESOME.

3) Mother/Earthbound series (dir: Shigesato Itoi, dev: Ape/HAL, pub: Nintendo)

“Strange, funny, & heartrending.” The whole series is this. Turn-based battling really isn’t my cup of tea, but save for that, everything about these RPGs is incredible. Itoi’s labor of love is, as its finale’s tagline says, equal parts tear-jerker & knee-slapper. BOinG, bAby!

4) Lego Star Wars series (dir: Jon Burton, dev: Travellers' Tales, pub: LucasArts)

These are not hard games. They’re based on a line of toys. You can’t lose them. The second one is a bit glitchy. I love them dearly.
They’re witty. They’re fun. You can’t lose with playing them. The second one has one of the most touching cutscenes ever.

5) Sonic the Hedgehog [1-4] (dir: various, dev: Sonic Team, pub: Sega)

There was once a time when Sonic games being good was the norm, not the exception. The 4 Genesis platformers were super fun, super fast, & super phonic. Those earliest games had an incredible sense of speed without the horrific loss of control present in newer Sonic games. The music was awesome, none of the generic faux-punk stuff they use now. Tails & Knuckles actually had interesting play styles, no robosuits or treasure hunts. Good times, man.

6) Tetris (dir/dev: Alexey Pajitnov, pub: various)

Pajitnov got ripped off by every game publisher in the world, so there are no fewer than 27 hundred thousand releases of Tetris. My favorite is the NES version, for its Type C music, “Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy”. Coupled with the traditional Types A & B songs, we’ve got 3 epic Russian tunes to go with the legendary Russian puzzle game that captures the mind of all who play it.

7) Mario Kart 64 (dir: Hideki Konno, dev: EAD, pub: Nintendo)

Oh yeah, I can drive, I’m an excellent driver, but racing games are just so much more fun with weapons! Kart 64 is my favorite of the series; the D-pad versions don’t steer as well, but the Cube & Rev versions are messy.

8) Final Fantasy XII (dir: Hiroyuki Ito/Hiroshi Minagawa/Yasumi Matsuno, dev/pub: Square-Enix)

Breaking out of the very annoying molds of its predecessors, FF12 is the only part of that series I can truly stand. The story is good, the voices are great, some of the characters (particularly Balthier & Cid) kick all kinds of butt, & there are NO RANDOM ENCOUNTERS! That’s right, it only took Square a decade to follow Nintendo’s lead in ditching random encounters (Earthbound & Mario RPG both had map-visible enemies and are known masterpieces). They even took a step towards real-time combat! I was excited.

9) Minesweeper

The penultimate computer logic game. I have an addiction, & I know it. The thing that bugs me, though, is the guesswork forced on me in many of the openings & endgames.

10) Risk (Genesis version)

I have no luck, good or bad. As such, I have this tendency to lose dice games, like the battles in the board-game version of Risk. The video game, however, uses skill-based battles, & I have excellent aim. MWAH-HAHAHA!!!!!

11) Gauntlet Dark Legacy (dev/pub: Midway)

“GREEN KNIGHT has gained a level! bluewizardhasgainedalevel.”

12) Pinball

Ever since I was a young boy, I played the silver ball. My taste in tables differs from the "norm"; I favor ramps & habitrails and despise death chutes & shaking the table. Yeah, so technically this is a style of game rather than a specific one, but whatever. All I know is that my favorite thing to do when I get exhausted at the City Museum is go up to the 3rd floor & get 5 balls for a quarter on some seriously old-school machines. And I feel like a pinball.

Ya don't need to be Albert Eisenstein to figure this out.

Thu, 09 Jul 2009 05:57:44 GMT

Imagine a carpenter's toolbox. He needs different combinations of the tools in that box depending on what he's working on. Some projects require only a hammer; others need a screwdriver & hacksaw but no hammer, some other projects might require the hammer with a coping saw, and certain projects might use a lathe & nothing else.

Each of these tools performs a different function, & each is used to achieve a different goal. If he uses a rotary saw where a pocket knife would have sufficed, the product could be destroyed. If he uses sandpaper where adhesive was needed, not only will the wood not stick together, but it will in fact become harder to stick together once he realizes he should've been using the glue.

Now replace the word "carpenter" with the word "filmmaker."

Michael Bay uses explosions where he needs dialogue.
Joel Schumaker uses gay innuendo where he needs plot twists.
Seltzer & Friedberg use painfully bad pop-culture impersonations where they need jokes.
M. Night Shamalama uses plots twists where he needs closure (& pale white kids where he needs Inuits, but that's another rant).
Ed Wood used...nothing...where he needed special effects.

You know the cinesnobs you meet who decree from lofty seats of self-deluded grandeur that CGI is never necessary or good in film? They're wrong.
You know the actionbrats you meet who ignorantly refuse to watch any movie that doesn't rely heavily & obviously on CGI? They're also wrong.

It's not about what tools you use. It's about what you use them for.

...That's all I got; I was chased out of OP halfway through writing this (midnight closing) & there was a while when the wifi was down, so I forgot my big ending. Meh, you got the point.

By the by, just started on The Chase script. Jotted some great ideas down today.

Me & My Nomenclature

Wed, 24 Jun 2009 06:37:54 GMT

So I met this obnoxious dude at a bar (Lewellyn's) this past Sunday night. Normally when I encounter obnoxious people in loud places, I find it easy to ignore them, especially if I'm with somebody I like (in this case, it was my sister). Unfortunately, this guy had a microphone, a loud voice, & was the reader for the trivia game which was the entire reason I was there, so I had to listen to him. Josh the Trivia-MC spent the entire evening bragging about how he's never read any book except Twilight, how he didn't know almost ANY of the answers though the questions covered pretty much any topic imaginable, & how he pretty much does nothing but get drunk & laid, while simultaneously claiming that anyone who knew any of the answers was a virgin. I also got to hear him butcher a LOT of names, including "STRIDER". Strider isn't even a Tolkieny name (though this was a Lord of the Rings question, & a hard one at that); it's a stinking dictionary word.

Meanwhile, some folks were complaining about using the word "gay" as an insult, & they have a point. In fact, almost every argument I've ever heard against that usage is absolutely correct (though there are a few misfires).
I bring all this up because Perez Hilton thinks he's allowed to use the word that way. This story upset me for a couple reasons.
Reason #1 is that I know who Perez Hilton is, & that makes me sad.
Reason #2 is that this sort of double standard bugs the crud out of me. I have never been offended by the terms "wop" or "dago" (to be perfectly honest, I'm kind of impressed when people actually know those words), because I have three brain cells to rub together & thus can tell from context when somebody is genuinely bigoted against my culture or not. The few people I've met who have had such a bias didn't even know the slurs.
Besides, I have a new idea for a slur meaning "stupid": Perez. I think we can all get behind this one.

Project updates:
A couple new Subtitle sketches are done.
Finally finished writing & arranging "Part 2", as well as another song "Daughter of the 4th Tribe".
I'm sitting on a completed Monitor column for the fall, with a couple more outlines awaiting meat on their bones.
Ooh! And I don't think I've mentioned this, but last March I finished Maximillian Roivas' chapter of the Eternal Darkness screenplay, & it's my favorite part of the script so far. Max is just so awesome. (Also awesome: Mr. Bennett in Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. Read that book. NOW.)
Cooked up a few ideas for POP experiments, too.
***To read anything I've completed or to get more info about what I'm working on, just ask.***

Monitor failure

Mon, 25 May 2009 01:54:24 GMT

This was supposed to run in The Monitor in February. Not only did it not make the first issue of the semester, it also didn't make any of the lower-budget mid-semester issues, nor did it make the late-April full-size-again issue at the end of the semester. They didn't even run it in the Monitor Blog. Since it was time-sensitive, I will not be resubmitting it in the fall, instead you guys can see it right here, right now (remember, this was supposed to run in early February):

The Song Remains the Same
Opinion by >> Joey Puricelli

            The Democrats won. If you’re saying “WOO!” or “BOO!” to that statement, you’re wrong. You should be reacting to Barack Obama’s victory, not the Democratic Party’s.

            “But, Joey,” says hypothetical-partisan-reader-from-either-side, “that’s the same thing, isn’t it?” No, hypo-party-reader, it is not. When election time comes around, it is not supposed to become a question of “us versus them” when we enter the voting booth. Our job—nay, our duty—as members of the electorate is to choose the candidate who we deem best-suited for their desired position. We are NOT supposed to vote based exclusively on a desire to beat someone else, & we are NOT supposed to vote for a candidate just because of which animal mascot is on their campaign posters. For that matter, it shouldn’t even matter whether or not the best candidate even has an animal mascot. For all we know, the best person to run the executive branch might not be a Democrat or a Republican.

            “But, Joey,” chimes hypothetical-partisan-reader again, “a vote for a third-party is a vote wasted.” No, hypo-puppet-reader, it is not. That is the battle cry of the surrendering soldier, the slogan of the slacker, the catchphrase of a citizen who has just given up. I once heard that same sentiment rephrased as “I would rather not vote than waste my vote,” a cop-out spoken by somebody who couldn’t comprehend that not voting IS wasting one’s vote. Forget parties, man; we need to look at ALL of the candidates & find the one we think is best. It is a tragedy that out of all the precedents set by George Washington, the rejection of party politics is both the wisest & the only one not adopted by any of his 43 successors so far.

            “But, Joey,” and I sigh with frustration as hypothetical-partisan-reader interrupts, “I thought Washington was a Federalist.” No, hypo-jackhole, he was not. Some lazy people lump him in there because his policies were closer to Federalist than Anti-Federalist & because of John Adams, but historically such a lumping doesn’t even make sense, & I’ll tell you why. Back in the day, the office of the vice-presidency went to the first runner-up in the polls, so the VP was sometimes of a different party than the president [case in point, Abraham Lincoln (R, IL) & Andrew Johnson (D, NC)]. Just because Adams was a Federalist and Washington’s veep doesn’t mean Washington was a Federalist. The father of our country DESPISED the party system, predicting—accurately—that it would result in nothing moreso than inner conflict & stagnation.

            Meanwhile, as much as I’d like to see the two-party stranglehold broken, I’m still glad to see somebody like Obama win. But even with that bit of comfort, there is still a degree of worry…I want to see 24/7 Secret Service detail guarding Nancy Pelosi & Robert Byrd (naturally, Obama & Biden have such a detail by default). Hillary Clinton is now 5^th in the line of succession; that puts her only 3 hitmen & a hate crime away from the White House, & I put nothing past that woman. Nothing.

I'm working on some new stuff for the fall; hopefully then they'll start remembering the paper's mission again.

Sun, 17 May 2009 04:34:33 GMT

I've been sleeping well. I got my C in Complex Variables (& As in the other two classes). I've completed my GTRA duties. I have 2 great internship prospects. My sister graduated today. My brother just won an award. I am so exhausted.

Haven't gotten much productivity in, between having to go to my siblings' ceremonies, work, family errands, & the fact that the calls I need to make all need to be during school hours. Still need to check on supplies for the apartment. Still need to write a cover letter for Macon. Still need to find a freaking summer job. I keep forgetting things everytime I try to write them down (case in point: this entry was originally going to be much more interesting, but I've forgotten most of what I was gonna say).
My family keeps relying on me to fix the computer in my limited & largely-booked-up time at home. I keep trying to teach them how to do it, but Dad refuses to learn, Kerro & Nina are too busy, and Mom keeps forgetting....and losing the written instructions I give her. Now they need me to install a new printer instead of just reading the dang instructions.

ALMOST saw Chuck Berry last Wednesday, but I got to Blueberry Hill on Tuesday only to find that the show had sold out earlier that day. Spent some time jamming with Mankus in the park instead. I might sit in with his band once in a while if he ever finishes forming it.
Oh, & then later that night, I got to spend an hour bailing backed-up stormwater out of our basement before it reached anything it could destroy.

I swear, I need a vacation from this vacation. And I'm not gonna get it; it's almost summer-classes time!

Last night at Il Spazio

Sat, 02 May 2009 07:02:40 GMT

2nd attempt at a Windfall poetry slam (3rd attempt overall). Almost late, since one-acts started late & ran long; what happened to the half-hour ceiling?
Thought that if I played ball this time, did a "beat poem" (which, if Mr. Risch is anything to judge by, means "ranting for 5 minutes about nothing while spouting off buzzwords like 'imperialist' & 'masturbation' to trigger bouts of rhythm-ruining applause/snapping, so it's a good thing there was no rhythm to begin with", though I must admit I liked his ode to Pickler Library--that being the only good one of the 9 poems I've heard him read), that I'd get through to the second round for once, maybe even get to read ALL 3 of the poems I brought; that'd be nice. I was wrong, got tanked by a low score anyway. Tried to help the finals go right by being a judge & voting honestly, but somehow a tie happened, then the guy who LEAST followed the tie-breaker rules ended up winning 2nd prize. Whatever. Here's the poem I read:

“Grand Slam”

Most of my stuff really isn’t that long;
Last time I felt like I’d done something wrong.
But then, of course, there was that one guy
Whose low scores for all sounded like a dumb lie.

This is my second of these slams; I didn’t do too well at my first. I also didn’t announce that it was my first, though probably I should have, but I got called up early in the night, before the other first-timers. I didn’t realize that mercy points were given for proclaiming oneself a Poetry Slam virgin. I also didn’t realize that works under 5 minutes would be so looked-down upon. Seriously, I read one of my longest ones, & it didn’t even come close to the running time of the others; when I was done, the crowd was staring at me as though they thought I’d just begun. It probably didn’t help that I had a cold that night & couldn’t speak properly. But really, one of the judges in the first round seemed really spiteful; he gave everybody a bad score.

Thematics so predictable flooding the night’s docket,
While I have 3 pieces of pure whimsy in my pocket.

People have ragged on They Might Be Giants for writing songs with unusual subjects: particle physics, Belgian artists, amateur filmmaking, et cet. Why? What’s wrong with that? Are those people saying there’s no truth to be found in topics other than the ones that get done all the time?

So I’m up there reading a poem about 2 things—that’s why I called it “Simulcast”—it was about doing a radio show & it was about somebody I have a crush on. Thematically, I stuck out like a sore thumb. This one is about the politics of the poetry slam, but I want it to be more accessible to the assembled, so here are some themes that I already know you guys love:

Sex. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Let’s be honest, everyone loves talking about sex, even people who are embarrassed by it. Even me. But why insist on using the ugliest terms to describe what I’m told is one of the most beautiful of life’s experiences? Some of those people sounded like Dexter or Monk, just terrified of the very concept of human sexuality. "Maybe we could make some love..." THAT man knows what he's talking about. But I’ve said the three-letter word; let’s move on.

George Bush is an idiot! True, but not particularly insightful. Where’s the beauty in preaching to the choir? What’s the use of spending your time arguing about a politician who’s no longer in office to a room full of people who completely support you already?

Television is worthless! That one’s a lie. All forms of media are inherently of neutral worth, & “90% of everything is crud,” to quote the Sturgeon generally. To outrightly dismiss TV as an artform because of The Bachelor makes as much sense as outrightly dismissing literature as an artform because of Twilight.

So yeah, I’m gonna keep writing verses about movies, & about stuff I did last week, & about innocent crushes, about true love actually working because the people involved actually had half a brain between them so they were practical, about linear algebra, about verses themselves, & even about NOTHING. Somebody has to; John Linnell’s getting old.

I don’t think that every poem has to rhyme,
But you still can do so some of the occasions.
Meter, too, is not always required,
But seriously, some of the poems felt like they were intentionally eschewing any kind of rhythm, which is a funny thing to desire.

I love Cummings a lot, seriously. The creativity of his poetry and prose are a constant source of inspiration for me. But when he wrote prose, you knew it. Because he wrote it in paragraphs. His legendary visual trickery was excellent for poetry, and it even still sounded like poetry if you read it aloud. Cummings also wrote some more traditional forms; his are the only sonnets I’ve ever been able to stand, but that’s the topic of another poem I wrote a few years ago. One you might hear tonight, if you play your cards right. His prose, however, while possessing the same lyrical tone, did read as prose, and he knew it. He didn’t try to pass it off as poetry by randomly breaking the lines. Some of the poems I heard at the last slam did that. When you have neither rhythm nor rhyme & you ALSO don’t have any visual design like he did, it’s not poetry anymore. You need rhythm to rap; otherwise you're just rambling. There has to be something separating it from prose besides random line breaks. Some of the people did it last time, and I’m doing it right now! Look! Look at the paper! This is a paragraph! I just cut off the lines randomly! Everything I’ve said since “I love Cummings a lot” has been prose! What is going on here!? But I digress…

Will this time’s experience match the last?
I can’t know until writing this poem has passed.
So for the moment I’ll just have to say,
Shake up the 8-ball, the answer is [yay/nay].

Scrub it.

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 06:05:47 GMT

Stupid recession has to happen right after I take out my first student loan & right before I can get a decently-paying job. Switching to semester internship. I'll finish the degree a few weeks sooner this way. Still in summer 2010. I'll still be in Kirksville next year, guys.

Getting sick of formalistic gibberish (Maglio) or having to join all these organizations (NEA/SMSTA/NCTM/MASSE).
One paper away from finishing Math Edu Tech. Two proofs away from finishing Complex Variables. One test away from finishing Measurement. One test & a lot of grading from finishing College Algebra.
...Then come my two summer classes...& my 4 more classes next year...& my research portfolio...

I'm so tired of schools.

Two of fine quality split my attention. One has eyes that cripple me & feet even my ears cannot hear, physical grace which manifests itself also in her manner. (That one probably isn't reading this.) The other has the cutest smile, the same expression relaying both her passionate side & her mischievous side, two extremely lovable sides of the same coin. (That one might be reading this.) Both have shot me down already. Both also share the highly attractive trait of being able to put up with & even befriend somebody like me. I really am quite an acid test for peoples' character.

Fr. Bill mentioned something in his homily this week that I've been saying for months: The sparks tend not to happen right away, not on the first date, & particularly not before the first date. You have to get to know somebody. That's all I've been asking for, the chance to get to know somebody better. Whatever happened to trying?

I'm so tired of being alone.

Why am I telling you people all this? Because I'm exhausted. I haven't been sleeping well this semester. My buggerer of a roommate has been slow-roasting me every night with the heater. I've tried asking him to turn it down. I've tried turning it down myself. I've tried pointing out how hot it's getting. Nothing is working. I can achieve unconsciousness, but I wake up unrested in the morning.

It's affecting my grades, particularly in Complex. It's affecting my physical condition, my speech slurring more & my immune system weakening. It's affecting my memory, events growing hazier even as they're happening. And it's affecting my judgment, as evidenced by this verbal vomit of an entry.

I'm so tired.

Ozark Lake Daredevils

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 05:26:16 GMT

The Lake of the Ozarks is a wonderful place, but a lot of the roads around it are treacherous as all heck. Curves are great, & I love hilly roads, but both at once, especially when even a small mistake can send you careening into the lake because there are gale-force winds that day, not so fun. I mean, it's a tourist area; a very significant percentage of the people driving there have never done so before; we don't have the turns memorized.
It also doesn't help when you get tailgated by the locals. I'm driving the speed limit (or faster), & I still have people riding my butt? Really? Are you really in THAT much of a hurry? The tailgating was especially inexcusable on highway 54, since the other drivers could have just passed me.

Speaking of 54, did you know there are TWO "Business 54s" within 30 miles of each other? 'Cause I didn't, and the directions & map I was given didn't either. One of them (the southern one) goes directly to Bagnell Dam & the town of Lake Ozark, where I was trying to go. The other one (which I took, not knowing there'd be a second) goes to Eldon*, then makes a poorly-labeled left turn in Versailles, at which point the road you're actually on becomes 52, & eventually 5, leading you down the western side of the lake. Fortunately, there is a toll bridge across the lake halfway through.

Which brings me to my next point... Gas station attendants of the world, heed my words: It is true that most people will want to avoid a toll bridge if they can. However, people who are lost are not placing their priority on saving $2.50; they are placing their priority on NOT BEING LOST ANYMORE. You should tell them about such a bridge. Meanwhile, the TWO separate gas clerks I asked for directions told me to take roads that would've forced me down around the southern tip of the lake & back up the other side, which would've made me easily an hour too late to check into my hotel room. Fortunately, at the 2nd station, there was a cop buying a drink who corrected the clerk & told me about the toll bridge, which was only a few minutes away.

But arrive in time I did, & the conference was better this year than last. I didn't have to do as many snarky notepad comments, there was no GLEs/CLEs lecture, and I even made a crazy new friend! :)
Also, I got to swim!!! I swam for the first time in a year!!! I'm still extremely good at it, but I got tired faster than I should've, & it was really really fun!!!

*(For those who were wondering: No, you shouldn't have heard of Eldon. The town doesn't matter, not one bit. It has no need for a "Business" spinoff.)

A pretty butterfly.

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 04:32:41 GMT

Dog with head split in half.

Texting is stupid.

Sat, 07 Mar 2009 23:22:49 GMT

This happened today...

Weirdo [314-458-5380]: Douche
Me: Who is this?
Weirdo: dis lil wes who dis
Me: Not the "Douche" you texted this morn! I dunno any wes
Weirdo: who is dis
Me: J-Man
Weirdo: who the f***
Me: No one you know: you texted me 1st
Weirdo: Naw i didnt but wat eva

I stinking hate texting. Mistype a phone number when you're sending, & you get confusion like the above. It takes forever to type out anything legible unless your phone has a full keyboard, at which point you might as well have a laptop & send emails or IMs. If you don't want to take the time or the expense, you end up speaking in abbreviations which no two people use identically. Either way, you get charged up the wazoo if you send too many...or even if you receive too many.

There is exactly 1 person in the world (Jenny) with whom I text, & that is only because it is the only way to contact her when I'm out of town (some jerk gave her phone #, email address, & AIM screenname to an advertising service, so those have all become too flooded with spam to be usable).

Sleep deprivation + Long late-night showers = Bizarre mixtures of darkness & silliness

Wed, 04 Feb 2009 18:21:42 GMT

Who am I?
I am J.MAN the Unkillable, mighty & fearless.
I am J.MAN the Paranoid, weak & afraid.
I am J.MAN the Spiritual, servant & friend of Christ.
I am J.MAN the Logical, skeptical & analytical.
I am J.MAN the Storyteller, creative & crazy.
I am J.MAN the Jester, mischievous & witty.
I am J.MAN the Serious, intensely driven.
I am J.MAN the Lone, stoic & solitary.
I am J.MAN the Lonely, though not for lack of trying.
I am J.MAN the Friend, welcoming & supportive.
I am J.MAN the Recluse, guarded & secretive.
I am J.MAN the Popular, who people are glad to see.
I am J.MAN the Afterthought, who people are willing to leave behind.
I am J.MAN the Actor, engaged & involved.
I am J.MAN the Writer, removed & observant.
I am J.MAN the Musician, ever trying to make a joyful noise.
I am J.MAN the Teacher, eager to pass on ideas.
I am J.MAN the Student, eager to learn.
I am J.MAN the Tactician, cold & calculating.
I am J.MAN the Humanitarian, empathetic & concerned.
I am J.MAN the Reverent, respectful to righteous authority & fond of benevolent tradition.
I am J.MAN the Rebel, fighting micromanagement from the man & defying pointless demands.
I am J.MAN the Legendary undergrad with the weird double-major who bent the rules to suit his will, ultimately resulting in everybody getting what they wanted with no one getting hurt.
I am J.MAN the Marionette graduate being forced to jump through an ever-imploding set of stupid hoops over & over again for no satisfactorily-explained reason.
I am J.MAN the Long-Winded, never quite knowing when to stop.
I am J.MAN the Silent, never quite knowing how to start.
I am J.MAN the Hyperactive, bizarrely spry for his build.
I am J.MAN the Lethargic, bizarrely weary for his age.

Who am I?
I'm Spider-Man.
I'm the ******* Batman.
I. Am. Iron man.
I! AM! BEOWULF!
I am the package man.
I...am the neighborhood superspy. (Superspy!)
I am the terror that flaps in the night!
I'm Sparticus!
I'm a picker, I'm a grinner, I'm a lover, & I'm a sinner.
I am a beautiful animal! I am a destroyer of worlds!
I am who I am & that's who I am.
I'm nobody; who are you?
I...am an enchanter.
I'm Alan Partridge.
Whoami.

Who am I?
I'm Joseph Louis Puricelli. My friends call me Joey. My enemies also call me Joey. Through the right mixture of online supplemental materials (including this very blog), certain people with certain types of access can effectively assemble an introductory instruction manual to me.
I am sick of fear. I am sick of my own ego. I am going to try to ask somebody I like something important. Please pray for me.

I am the Kintobor.

Tue, 20 Jan 2009 19:24:17 GMT

We watched Barack Obama's inauguration today in Complex Variables. (It was bookended by lecture. Trippy.) The new president's words inspired me....& by that I mean literally the words he used triggered my writing muse. Whenever somebody says "The time has come..." then pauses, I always mentally insert "...the Walrus said." This time, however, I finally decided to take that prompt & run with it. What follows here is an alternate inaugural address based on President Obama's speech today. It's not very long or in-depth, but you have to remember I was scribbling furiously while listening to the actual speech AND trying to finish before we returned to lecture. It's also not very serious, but that's by design.

As the Walrus said, "The time has come...to talk of many things: Of shoes & ships & sealing wax, of cabbages & kings." Well spoken, brother Walrus.
We face a major economic recession at a time when some Americans have nothing more than the tattered shoes on their feet. It is time to bring shoe production, & countless other industries, back to our shores to increase employment, stimulating our economy by giving people a reason to put on their shoes in the morning!
Our ships full of travellers visiting foreign shores need to be well-received by our fellow human beings around the world. It is time to renew the reputation of America a friend & ally in the global view!
The sealing wax that binds us together as Americans has been weakening as we have become further polarized and ostracized within our country, our cities, & even our neighborhoods. It is time for us to reseal the hardwood patio deck of patriotism & understanding to protect it from the harsh rains of ideological intolerance!
All around the globe, there are those who lack the necessities of day-to-day life, who must struggle desperately each morning for enough foos to stay alive & see another sunrise. It is time to throw these people some cabbages, to share our bounty with those in need! After all, soup of cabbage is cabbage power, which makes us stronger by the hour! Cabbage never lets us down; keeps us healthy, safe, & sound!
Then there is the individual, each one of us alone, the kings of our own souls. It is time to fortify these castles of our souls, for even as we work together, we must be vigilant against the loss of that castle! Perhaps a carpenter could help us out when it comes to making that little birdhouse in our souls! For what is a birdhouse, but a castle of the sky?
So there we have it, my fellow Americans. The tasks before us are many & difficult, but not insurmountable. Through out collective efforts & our individual diligence, we will prevail. The time has come indeed, wise brother Walrus! Goo-goo-g'joob!

Whee! :)

So this is happening.

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 08:11:28 GMT

Hi, I'm Joey. I'm going to grad school to get a master's degree in high school math education. I want the degree. I don't want to work in public schools. I want to make movies. I maybe want to tutor. I am writing in jerky, nonflowing sentences for no easily discernible reason.

My head is spinning, folks. I knew graduate work would be hard, but I didn't realize how needlessly complicated it would be. I'll be teaching College Algebra at Truman this semester (which starts in a week, by the way), & I only have my first 2 classes planned. Meanwhile, my internship paperwork is due at the start of February, & I have NO IDEA where to apply yet, because I've been so freaking busy with schoolwork, then family work, then Kmart work, & then prepping for the course I'm about to teach. ...Also, I only have 2 of the required 3 reference letters locked down; that weasel Dr. Erickson backed out on me after I had already left Kirksville.
Ideally, I'll do the internship somewhere within a reasonable commute from Truman, since living in K-ville will make it much less insane to find housing for summer 2010 classes. Also, I want to be able to continue auditioning for one-acts, being on the radio, & abusing campus resources.

Speaking of campus resources, this semester I'm applying for the lab show again. I know for a fact that I'll need a Publicity Chief*, Prop Chief, & ASM, and I still have to hear back from people for SM, Tech Director, & Light Designer, so those might also be open.

Recent developments on the creative front:
Albuquirky is finished!!! Anyone who wants to read the greatest musical-gallows-comedy-with-parody-songs ever written just needs to let me know.
I recently finished a tune called "Crush Song," & another ditty ("Part 2," used in my recent one-act audition) is almost ready.
A few poems came out of me this semester, too, entirely by accident. I was just thinking, & I was typing, & a lot of my thoughts came out metered and/or rhymed, you know how it is.
Got my next Monitor column ready already, too.

I read, get this, SIX BOOKS over this break. And they were books that I actually WANTED to read. :D I haven't gotten to read for pleasure in sooooo long!
Also, my sister decided to do something incredibly awesome by getting me three (3) Papa Nez albums for Christmas! ...I leave in 6 days & the package hasn't arrived yet, but she did place the order a long time ago & thought it would be here by Christmas.

Something else, more personal, so less clear:
From early 2004 to mid 2007, I knew what I wanted, & I knew that I did not have it & that I probably would never, but I was sure, so I was okay.
From mid 2007 to early 2008, I knew what I needed, & I fought against the darkness to get it, & I succeeded, so I was okay.
From this past September to now, I have not been okay. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I wasn't sure, & I failed. (Also, I got some bum intel which needlessly tanked my October**.)
Now, though, I'm sure about something else, that I'm heading into uncharted waters. I've never dealt with a...divided focus...before, though I can tell that it could become unhealthy (not only to me, but also both...focii) if not treated. Fortunately, treatment: past experience with singular...focus...tells us that it will fade over time if nothing comes of it, or if it is replaced by another...focus. So I'm making a decision to narrow my...focus...& hope for the best with that, which should remedy the other...focus...which has already failed.

Happy new year, everybody! :)

*No experience necessary, I can teach you how to do this if need be.

**Not an easy task; October is MY month.

Wed, 05 Nov 2008 06:10:08 GMT

I went around surveying people today, basing my questions on this video. Here’s a compilation of responses, with most of the duplicates removed.

WHAT IN POLITICS?
9
πe
“Diabetes”
“That question makes no sense.”
“What?”
“I don’t know.”
7
2
“Libertarian”
8
“No”
“I don’t understand.”
*faint*
“I don’t really follow politics aside from elections.”
5 (on 3^rd rephrasing)
“Canadians”
“It’s very important.”
“Yes”
3 (rating personal involvement)
7 (to ‘How much does politics play into voting?’)
“I don’t know anything about politics.”
“I don’t like that wording.”
“A whole lot…8, but this year 9 or 10.”
“Normally 7, but today 6.”
“You lost me.”
“What is politics? A bunch of people who decide our future.”
“It’s too much when it’s more personal attacks than real issues & it’s too much money.”
“Politics involves ideas meant to influence people. Today it’s more about appeasement & image.”
“Politics has a delicious cream filling, but lots of carbs & hydrogenated oils, making it unhealthy while giving it a long shelf-life.”
“Very”
“On cost-effectiveness: 2. On usefulness: 6. On efficiency: 3.”
“I don’t even understand the question.”
“I am for less federal regulation, more local government rights, & more individual rights. My beliefs are also affect by my faith, though I recognize the need to avoid legislating religion.” (to ‘What am I in politics?’)
“There’s no verb!”
“I usually agree with the Democratic party, but with some leeway. I tend to be very liberal, though.” (to ‘What’s important to you in politics?’)

HOW ABOUT VICE PRESIDENT?

“Biden”

“Screw ‘em.”

“Also”

“Whoever”

“No preference”

“Yes”

“Some yes”

“Very important as well.”

“Whatever. But it’s important.”

8.5

“Palin is scary; Biden seems competent.”

“People don’t know as much about vice presidents.”

“There’s too much Palin coverage.”

“It’s a lesser-of-2-evils thing”

“My dad calls her a ‘hot Alaskan momma’.”

“Palin is taking cues from Cheney, which is bad.”

“I don’t know about vice presidents.”

“Dick Cheney is the current one, I don’t know.”

“An advisor who should be qualified to take over if El Presidente dies.”

“They shouldn’t be too abusive & should be diplomatic since they represent the president abroad.”

“I prefer pollen to Palin.”

“Luigi”

“Sounds fine.”

“On utilization: 4. On usefulness: 5. In a vacancy: 10.”

“That’s what we’re voting on, if you get my meaning.”

“No to Biden, especially with the economy as it is.”

“It’s important, but not as important as the president. We want them to be close in ideology to the president, just in case. They need to be able to step up.”

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE “McCAIN TRAIN” & “BARACKIT SHIP” JINGLES?

*(Optional question, jingles were sung in person.)

“Barackit Ship is better.”

“McCain Train is better.”

“Neither song.”

“You can’t ride a train to an island.”

“Both songs are useless.”

“Neither really, slight nod to Barackit Ship.”

“Both songs would be ineffective.”

“Neither song would be effective.”

“Those are catchy tunes.”

“The songs are so lame, they’d be better used as attacks from the other side.”

“They’re both good tunes.”

“They’re too cheesy. I can’t take campaign jingles seriously; they’re cute, but have no actual content about the candidates.”

A Promise

Mon, 06 Oct 2008 18:12:03 GMT

I promised to "back off" (though from what I'm backing off, I'm not sure). I promised to give some space. I promised not to approach or talk to you for a while.
That was really stupid of me, since you're the only one who can explain what the bleep is going on. But I'm a man of my word.

HOWEVER, I have officially decided when "a while" ends. We need to talk about this. I want to apologize, which I can't do until we speak. Also, how can I avoid doing whatever it was I did if I never get to know what it was? My mental & cardiac health are both depending on my patience, which will wear thin soon.

Thus I lay out the following new promise: When the saints go marching in, I will march up to you.
For more detail as to what that means, keep an eye on my next few Facebook statuses.

I hope you read this, & I hope Burden reads this. Our friendship is NOT going down the tubes over a misunderstanding.

Oh, how I want to be in that number. 111

Cosmo writers are not known for their cultural literacy.

Wed, 30 Jul 2008 23:26:25 GMT

...which explains why this article has such limited scope. The author probably only knows those 4 characters (Superman, Spider-Man, Batman, & the Hulk, for those who don't want to bother reading it), and thus could only make up 4 personality stereotypes.
I don't have that limitation, so here's a bunch more stereotypes! Yay!

Who he worships: The Fantastic Four
What it reveals: Amongst other things, it reveals a lack of interest in deep characterization (so he probably loves Superman, too). Seriously, it depends on which of the Four he's most interested in. If it's Mr. Fantastic, Reed Richards, he's in the Spidey boat: Responsible, awkward, & intelligent. If it's the Human Torch, Johnny Storm, he's brash, loud, & impulsive. If it's the Thing, Ben Grimm, he wants to be as buff as possible (or he actually pays attention to Grimm's dialogue & wants to be normal). If it's the Invisible Woman, Sue Storm, then he thinks women in spandex are hot. [See? Weak psychological stereotypes are easy! Let's do some more:]

Who he worships: The X-Men
What it reveals: Absolutely nothing. The X-Men franchise has more characters than the entire rest of the Marvel catalog combined, most of whom are as different as night & day & dawn & dusk.

Who he worships: The Tick
What it reveals: If he's laughing at the Tick, it reveals that he has a sense of humor. If he's laughing with the Tick, it reveals that he's not very bright, but that he doesn't care because he doesn't realize it. He also might think himself nigh-invulnerable, so watch out for that.

Who he worships: The Avatar
What it reveals: He has a desire to bring balance to the world by mastering all 4 elements of nature. He also has a desire to tattoo a giant blue arrow on his head.

Who he worships: The Mystery Men
What it reveals: He's kinda crazy & might have a death wish, but at least he doesn't mind not being invincible. He's snarky, temperamental, & impulsive.

Who he worships: The Mario Brothers
What it reveals: He is not afraid of reptiles, & he has an interest in plumbing. Encourage this part of him; plumbers make good money & set their own hours.

Who he worships: Captain Hammer
What it reveals: ....He's probably a lot like Captain Hammer. Avoid unless presented with a situation where super-strength would be extremely helpful. Do not mate with him. Especially not twice, unless you like to do "the freaky stuff."

The article's author had this to say in her defense after several comments called her out: "You guys are right...there are so many other great superheroes out there! However, we wanted to only focus on the four most popular heroes we hear about, especially in pop culture lately." Pfft. If that was the case, why didn't you mention Iron Man or Hellboy? Don't make up weak excuses for your weak research.

Ogres are like onions....

Sat, 17 May 2008 04:33:40 GMT

....and people are like springs.

If you push down on a spring too much, if you press it farther than it's meant to be pressed or hold it down longer than it's meant to be held down, then that spring is going to bounce back and hurt you given the slightest opportunity. If your pressure tilts in any direction, the spring will rocket out the side of your grip, ricochet against the wall, and smack you in the head. If your weight slips--for even a microsecond--off of the spring, it will bounce back straight into your eye. And even if you don't make a mistake like that, eventually the spring will give just enough and in such a way that it is able to stab you right in the thumb you're using to hold it down. We're talking about a serious puncture wound, here; you can't just slap a bandage on that and go back to pushing. You will need medical attention pronto, and while you're gone, the spring will reshape itself back to the form it was meant to be in.

On the other hand, if you never push on the spring at all, it becomes weak & brittle. Too much time without any resistance, and the spring becomes rusty with complacence. It will forget how to resist, how to push back into shape. And when that happens, there is nothing to stop some strong jackhole from coming along and pressing down on the spring again, only this time, the spring will stay down. If that jackhole keeps pushing down on it, the now-atrophied spring will no longer be capable of ricochet revenge; it will break. And it will stay broken. The spring will die without some regular workouts from somebody who is smart enough to know when the spring needs to be pushed, and when it needs to be left alone.

This is an analogy. To help translate, perhaps this entry could have been titled "Why overpowered governments and true anarchy are both really bad ideas."

Santa Claus, a Response to the Responses

Thu, 08 May 2008 17:22:21 GMT

Having read the 7 evaluations from my classmates about my one-act, I found many comments that were helpful, particularly about the set & blocking. I also found many comments that were not helpful at all. This post is about the latter group.

AUDIBILITY
I got 4 different comments about audibility with equal commonality:
1) I could not understand Max or Hank.
2) I could understand Max, but not Hank.
3) I could understand Hank, but not Max.
4) I could understand both Hank & Max perfectly, save for a few brief moments.
Again, I got each of these comments NEARLY EQUALLY. I know I have strong hearing, and I know I sometimes forget to account for that when presenting sounds to others, but these are completely contradictory comments! Especially 2 & 3!!!
I also got one "Woman & Child were perfectly clear" and one "Woman & Child weren't clear at all" (the latter from one of the people who gave comment 1, so I think one of you guys is just going deaf.)*

THEME
A couple of the responses about the theme of the play proposed that it was about faith vs. science. Now, this is a script with a lot of room for interpretation, but where did faith vs. science come from when no one in the entire play ever mentions faith once? It's occurred to me that there are certain people in the world who, when they hear the word "science" used in any kind of negative connotation, immediately believe they're hearing an argument between science & faith. What about arguments between sound science & unsound science? Or more relevantly, what about arguments between real science & con-games pretending to be science?
To one of you: I was going for subtlety, not confusion.* One of the things I loved about The Lover was how Ashley kept it subtle, how she didn't shove the whole plot in our faces.

THE MASKS
The masks are in the script, guys. Death and Santa have to trade because Death needs to look like Santa to pull off his scheme. Death still has a skull face under his skull mask because he is inhuman. Santa has a man's face (he was wearing stage makeup, for the record) under his mask because he is a man. End of story.

MUSIC
Somebody got it right on the nose when they asked "were we supposed to hear parts of a song?" YES. These were not normal Christmas songs: The only in-show piece that was a true carol was a twisted version of it, one piece was a Tetris-styled ballet excerpt, and the rest of the songs were about things like mass murder, organized labor, Nazi Germany, and nuclear annihilation.

GENRE
The key word here, as I mentioned in class, is "dramedy." As in, you probably are supposed to laugh at the things which strike you as funny. (No one actually came out and said anything about this, but certain comments led me to believe that certain people thought this was supposed to be a deadly serious play.)

*This person was also the one who typed out "e e cummings" as well, which indicated that they didn't hear me in class when I mentioned that Cummings only put his name that way in personal signature, never meaning it to be his official moniker. This furthers my theory of impending deafness. I really can't tell who it is, but the outright hostility of their comments gives me a short list of 2 suspects: Either the only person in the class who doesn't like me, or the only person in the class with a short temper.

A game review from an outside standpoint.

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 00:54:50 GMT

Here's how Humans Vs. Zombies looked last semester: Like a lot of fun.
Here's why I didn't play: Too busy with classwork.
Here's the result: A handful of humans survived after 8 days.
Here's what the moderators said afterwards: "Wait, the humans aren't supposed to win."
Here's how I interpreted that: Oh, I get it; it was supposed to be too hard for the humans to win. Intriguing.

Here's how Humans Vs. Zombies looked this semester: Like a lot of stress.
Here's why I didn't play: They waited until mid-April to start. Our semester ends May 2. I'm too busy with my one-act to do missions, and too sleep-deprived from homework and graduation red-tape to run in the day-to-day stuff. Seriously, why did they wait until mid-April to start?
Here's the ret-con: The guy running the game altered the backstory so that everyone who escaped last semester actually died in a helicopter crash. Then, somehow, their uninfected corpses became zombies. What the heck?
Here's the result: On day 7, the humans were given an un-winnable mission. Not just difficult, but literally unwinnable. Anyone who didn't do the mission, even if it was because they were in class, was declared dead. Anyone who escaped the siege and ran was declared dead. If anyone had stayed but survived, they also would have somehow been declared dead.
Here's how I interpreted that: Stupid. Just plain stupid.

What it seemed like was that the game had been designed to emulate the countless lame zombie movies of recent years, the ones that always end in deus ex machinas that guarantee everyone ends up dead. Guess what? WHEN YOU DO THAT EVERY TIME, IT STOPS BEING SCARY. IT JUST GETS BORING AND STUPID. I hate those movies. Unescapable zombie scenarios are terrible plots for movies and even worse plots for games. The storyline retcon seemed completely random, like something tacked on out of spite that a human team was able to win for once.

If they really want to make this game more fun, they should stop ripping off B-movie scenarios, and instead try to retool it to emulate a real zombie outbreak.
-No indestructible zombies, for one. Seriously, there has to be some way of removing the head; it's easy enough on live bodies, and the undead have decay working against them.
-Also, melee weapons. They could be nerfed enough to work.
-NO RETCONS. Retcons are for hacks who publish before they finish revising and lack the imagination to work around the mistake.
-And if the humans have 0% chance of success, then why bother? Give them at least 1%. Heed my words, it will get boring if the zombies always end up winning.
-Extra Revision: Use socks or linens instead of bandanas. Too many civilians are still getting shot for wearing what they wear every day of the year. If outsiders can't interfere with players, then players can't interfere with outsiders.
-Personal Note: Don't let that guy who hid behind my car while I was driving it play; he's dangerous.

Bunch of stuff

Sat, 15 Mar 2008 21:30:45 GMT

"Look, E.B. White once compared the analysis of humor to dissecting a frog; that is, it can be done, but the frog tends to die in the process." ~Garry Trudeau

THE MONITOR IS BACK.
Keep your eyes peeled for the next issue or for website information. Meanwhile, back issues of The Monitor can be found in the University Special Collections in Pickler Memorial Library.

ONE-ACT AUDITIONS ARE MONDAY.
Since the Vatican moved St. Pat's to last night this year, this should not interfere with anyone's drinking plans. Monday, 5:30-9, OP Black Box. Do anything you wish for 1 minute. (Group auditions get 1 min per person.)

Thanks to a neighbor of mine, I've discovered the secret to treating absolutely everyone like garbage and still getting girls to fawn over you: Be gay.

The Brawl is amazing from what I've seen; I just need a chance to play. It likely won't happen this week, though, in part because Dr. Erickson assigned homework that I have to get done tomorrow night because that is the only opportunity I'll have since he assigned it.

Current project updates:
Eternal Darkness - 80 pages done of a projected 210
Albuquirky - all but the last song converted, 3 scenes scripted
The Green Room Sketch and Please Remove Your Elbow from My Ear - 2nd drafts completed
Total Nonsense (stage version) - 4th draft completed, basically just needs formatting for readability
Soundtrack/Reprise - still where it was 3 years ago, I swear I'll get back to it someday
Subtitle - several scripts completed, none relating to Soundtrack, though
Once More with Feeling - adaptation complete

ZTP, you need to show up to auditions Monday.
J-Net, you need to answer your phone once in a while.
T-Luck, you need to pick up yours; we had a deal.
Pigeon-duck, you need to do....something. I'm not frustrated with you right now, though, so I'm not sure what.
J.MAN, you need to work up some guts (and work off some gut).

Finally, ON MONDAY, MARCH 24th, I WILL NEED A RIDE FROM ST. LOUIS TO KIRKSVILLE. I have to go to a dumb teacher's conference in Columbia on Fri 3/21, and on Sat 3/22 I already have a ride from Columbia to StL for Easter. I just need a ride back to school that Monday we have off. Help me out, guys.

Norah Cox

Mon, 14 Jan 2008 04:24:03 GMT

Happy New Year, everypeoples! More poemtry:

This one's for L-Burt...

"Trill"
Pigeon-duck flying though storms up above,
Everyday trying to locate the dove,
When you're not sure, see every bit of
Your trip 'cross the Mersey, floating on love.
And if fear should set, don't forget to learn,
The tears you have let drop make bridges not burn.

And, of course, one for Z-to-the-P:

"Parallel Horizontal Lines with a Diagonal Linking the Opposite Ends"
Always dual natures with ye & meself,
Your pencil & keyboard both trying to WOW,
The art & the logic both share the same shelf,
With none ever knowing which one will win.
Finding the balance is much like a game,
A brawl that we'd all like to play now,
But once it's found, the works will get fame,
Always knowing where you have been.

MUSIC:
Not Too Late ~Norah Jones
Magical Mystery Tour ~Beatles
Across the Universe ~soundtrack
No Place Like Home ~soundtrack
Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story ~soundtrack

11 Months Later

Fri, 30 Nov 2007 03:24:50 GMT

This piece is the final column I wrote for The Monitor, intended to be published early last semester. However, neither the website nor the one budget-allowable issue were ever put to press, so it's pretty clear that if this sucker's ever gonna be read, it's up to me to make it so.

"Well-Done Medium Not Rare"
Opinion by >> Joey Puricelli

“Theatre is life; film is art; television is furniture.” I have no idea who said that, but it’s wrong. That’s tantamount to if I said something idiotic like, “Photography is life; painting is art; sculpture is furniture.” Here’s the truth: Television is miniature film; film is prerecorded theatre; theatre is art.

"But, Joey,” and I sigh with frustration as hypothetical-elitist-snob-reader chimes in, “how can you find any value in television? It has commercials/reality shows/dumb sitcoms/shallow dramas/countless ripoffs/biased news/edited movies and/or is numbing our children’s minds/desensitizing society to violence/insert another repetitive straw man argument here!”

I’m not going to argue against such claims, because to be perfectly honest, the claims are true. Such claims are also true for film and for theatre…and for photography, painting, & sculpture…and for poetry, books, magazines, newspapers, music, dance, video games, the Internet, & any other medium you can or can’t think of. The biggest difference between TV and the others is ease of distribution. It’s a farther walk to the morning paper than it is to the telly, and once you turn on the set, there’s anywhere from 5 to 500 stations all instantly accessible and chock full of nuts. No one knew about Manos: the Hands of Fate because no one went looking for it; The Swan, on the other hand, came looking for us. Still, avoiding the drek is as simple as flipping the channel to something better (Before you ask, there’s ALWAYS something on better than The Swan).

What’s more, the artistic landscape always looks bleakest in the moment. I guarantee that 30 years from now, no one will remember As Told by Ginger, just like they won’t remember White Chicks or any new play that closes on opening night. The only reason they’ll remember Survivor is that it will still be running. The works that last are the ones that are phenomenally good, phenomenally successful, or just inherently phenomenal; the utter useless garbage doesn’t stay in our collective cultural memory. That’s why people remember the “golden days” of Hollywood or Broadway as better than they are, because they’ve long forgotten all the terrible films and plays. The same holds true for television; we ultimately remember only shows worth remembering.

The thing that’s really ticking me off, though, is that the hypo-snob-reader got all worked up over my correctly identifying TV as a legitimate medium for art, causing said reader to completely miss the part about theatre. We who live lives of the stage do often have a hard time remembering that there’s life beyond it, but that’s not what “theatre is life” means. It’s also not a Shakespeare “all the world’s a stage” reference. Playwrights & directors, critics & historians, they all credit drama as being inherently more real than other media. Stuff and nonsense. Theatre is an art, and art reflects life, just as life reflects art. Each is necessary for the other; I will defend that belief to my grave, but they are not identical. Theatre is art; film is art; television is art. Good night, Gracie; may the Force be with you, and Robin shall restore amends.